Programmers Jokes at Work. Joke. com - Profession Jokes. A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem. The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.""No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.""Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 2. 5 = OCT 3. How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day? Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife. Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA. VM/CMS and CICS/VS". G. O. O. D" answered his wife. The Programmers' Cheer. Shift to the left, shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!- "Have you heard about the object- oriented way to become wealthy?"- "No.."- "Inheritance."If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL. If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT. If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL. If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE. If you can pick it up, it's a PC. If you can't pick it up but you can push it over, it's a minicomputer. But when you can't pick it up or knock it over, it's a mainframe. Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the. F1 F1" and nobody understood it. The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air. The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see. The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. ![]() Search metadata Search full text of books Search TV captions Search archived web sites Advanced Search. Set up for this scanner is minimal. I had it out of the box and scanning in under 30 min. There’s no disk included so you do have to download it from the Epson site. Significant improvement in music recognition accuracy with the addition of new Prodigy Engine. Accuracy is improved for: - Poorly printed / poorly scanned originals. We don't worry about. Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1. After years of being. Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2. Several years of this relentless, mind- numbing work had taken its toll. Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2. All he could. think about was how he could avoid the year 2. Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 1. The. next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2. New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life. He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the. The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room. They were all shouting "I can't believe. It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". ![]() There were cameras. Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. Is it over?" he. asked. Is the year 2. 00. Are all the millennial parties and. How to Install & Configure Canon ScanGear Tool. Setting it up to enable the Canon copiers to be able to scan directly from the copy machine to the computer.The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the. Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't. It was actually eight thousand years later. Technology had advanced to such a degree that. That sounds terrific," said Jack. But I'm curious. Why is. Well," said the spokesman. The year 1. 00. 00 is just around the. COBOL". APL is a write- only language. In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them. C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object. With C you can shoot yourself in the leg. With C++ you can reuse the bullet. A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or. Fortran. The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language. will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good. I am looking for a suitable language. D. E. Knuth, 1. 96. Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis? Because it is below C level. Have you heard they are developing an Object Oriented version of COBOL? It's called.. Bruce Clement, SIGPLAN Notices, 1. Programming Languages are Like Cars. Assembler: A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain. FORTRAN II: A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road. FORTRAN IV: A Model A Ford. FORTRAN 7. 7: a six- cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission. COBOL: A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work. BASIC: A second- hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one. PL/I: A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a. C++: A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional. ALGOL 6. 0: An Austin Mini. Boy that's a small car. ALGOL 6. 8: An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone. Pascal: A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once. popular with intellectual types. SP: An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are. not available. PROLOG/LUCID: Prototype concept cars. FORTH: A go- cart. LOGO: A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a. real engine and a working horn. APL: A double- decker bus. It takes rows and columns of. Greek. Ada: An army- green Mercedes- Benz staff car. Power steering. power brakes, and automatic transmission are standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good. enough for generals, it's good enough for you. Java: All- terrain very slow vehicle. What is an example of a never halting program? Friedrichs and Magnus in front of an open elevator, each saying "you go first". Why Client Server Computing is like Teenage Sex. It is on everybody's mind all the time. Everyone is talking about it all the time. Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it. Almost no one is really doing it. The few who are doing it are: doing it poorly; sure it will be better next time; not practicing it safely. Life Before the Computer. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account. And if you had a 3 ? You hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage. Not something you did to a file. And if you unzipped anything in public. You'd be in jail for awhile! Log on was adding wood to a fire. Hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife. Paste you did with glue. A web was a spider's home. And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper. And the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash. But when it happens they wish they were dead! There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks. Software Development Cycle. Programmer produces code he believes is bug- free. Product is tested. Programmer fixes 1. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 1. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly- optimistic programming schedule, the product is released. Users find 1. 37 new bugs. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. Newly- assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 1.
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